I tanked yet another law exam yesterday and then today I ran the last leg of the CIM relay. This was almost where I was just one year ago? It seems so long ago...when Greg and I were in Italy we decided we were ready to have a baby. We thought about when; when would be a good time to start trying and how would we plan this? We tried to plan around school as best as possible, but more importantly we had to plan around my marathon schedule. I wanted to do one last CIM. So, last year after completing CIM, Greg and I went home and started "trying." Again, "trying" just means having sex and for anyone that has a run a marathon, you know how sore you are, so you can imagine how much fun that was. Noah was not conceived right after CIM, but it wasn't too long after. And thus, we began our journey to parenthood... (So now you all know what I did after my marathon).
While I was running today, I thought about where I was just last year ... last year I was without a baby, without Noah, and I was running a full 26.2 miles! How crazy is that? Thinking back to all of the other CIM's that I have run, I remembered the relay runners zoom past me and thinking that they were imposters. I remember thinking, "how dare you look tired" or "how dare you walk, you're only doing 6 miles!" So today, I felt like I needed a sign that said "it's okay if I look tired too, even though I'm running a little less than 6 miles, I just had a baby 10 weeks ago" but I think that would be a very long sign.
I saw a woman run by me, or maybe she was in front of me, I don't know ... but she was wearing spandex running pants and her butt was jiggling around and I thought "hmmm, maybe she should rethink those pants" and then I felt like an asshole because if her butt is jiggling and she's running a full marathon, what makes me think mine looks any better? I mean, I'm only doing 5.something-miles! This again reminded me of where I was just a year ago. When I used to run, I felt strong and running 10+ miles felt like an easy stroll in the park. I felt fit and maybe not completely firm, but the extra stuff, the "pregnancy build-up" that I have gained didn't exist.
I'm not completely delusional, I know my butt didn't used to be completely firm, but I can only imagine what it's doing back there now. I mean, let's face it, I was just pregnant and while I was pregnant I was sitting a lot. I'm also in law school, that too is a lot of sitting, besides that, now that I'm not pregnant, I'm still in law school, and now I'm breastfeeding and watching a baby, EVEN MORE SITTING! Shoot, my butt is probably flat and jiggly!!! So, after that realization, I apologized to "Spandex Girl" in my mind and then I ran faster ...
I decided I definitely have to do the marathon next year...I felt guilty when I was running. People were cheering on the sidelines "You're almost there!" and "You're looking strong, keep it up" and I thought "wow, that's very helpful, thank you ... I feel good and I CAN do this." And then I ran a little bit faster. The cheering and the signs were nice confidence boosters, even if they weren't actually for me.
When I ran over the J Street bridge, just after mile 21, there was a family on the other side holding a sign that said something about "go daddy" or "we're proud of our dad." How cool is that? I bet when he gets home from work there isn't a sign that says that. Why do we only have these "signs" and cheering for marathons and sporting events? Are the other times in our lives not as important? Maybe not as challenging? I know going to work might not be as hard as running a marathon, but certainly the things that we do in our everyday lives are no less worthy or important? Maybe if I had people writing "Go Julia! You can do it!" in chalk on campus, I would do better on my exams. Or maybe if there was a poster in the front of the exam room that said "keep it up, you're almost there" I would get that feeling that you get as you turn the corner at Manzanita and Fair Oaks, when you come out of that crowd of people and feel like "I'm totally doing this! And I feel awesome" and maybe then I wouldn't walk out of each exam thinking, "hope I didn't fail that...please let me pass, all I need is my C."
Being in law school has certainly humbled me much like a marathon. It reminds me that not everything is going to be easy, if it were, everyone would do it, right? Or maybe not, because honestly, do we really need more lawyers?
So, next year, I'll try and run the full marathon. Hopefully my butt will be less "jiggly" and hopefully Noah will be there cheering me on with a sign that says "go mommy." Because it was just one year ago that Greg and I began the process of "trying" to create him and he has become part of my life marathon that makes everyday important.
