Damn you dirty flannels!

When I was younger I used to sleep with my mom, and i remember sometimes waking up and my mom would be checking my pulse and trying to hear if I was still breathing. I think I thought she was crazy, but maybe now I understand a bit more ...

Noah sleeps next to the bed in a little bassinet. He wakes up about 2-3 hours to eat and afterwards I'm up for an extra 45 minutes listening to his noises, checking to make sure he's okay and still breathing. I find myself checking his "symptoms" online while in bed and then asking Greg if we should call the doctor or check his temperature after every sound. I know looking at webMd is bad and probably only serves to make me more paranoid, but I can't help it, I've never done this before.

My life for the past 2 1/2 almost 3 weeks has consisted of feedings every 2-2 1/2 hours, followed by a poopy or a wet diaper and then back to sleep. I've been living my life in 2 hour increments and while it's good for me because I like structure, I find that I'm not really able to get much accomplished...nothing else seems that important right now.

I start school tomorrow. I haven't really touched my school work since Noah was born and that doesn't bother me. I'm fairly certain that this semester is going to be a giant waste of time and sitting through class is going to be an even bigger time suck than normal, but there's nothing I can do about that, because honestly, it just doesn't seem important to me these days ... it's not that all I want to do is sit and breastfeed my baby, but reading cases just doesn't compare to learning everythign there is to learn about Noah.

Greg went back to work last Thursday. Noah and I had two successful days alone together ... we even went to a mommy and me group. Noah was the youngest baby there and the other mom's acted somewhat surprised that we were there...I guess it's strange to be out and about this soon after having a baby or maybe it's the C-section? I don't know, I thought that was what you were supposed to do.

I'm not generally a person that likes those sort of "group" things, but I thought it would be helpful for me to be around other moms. Especially because I've never done this or anything like this, and by "this" I mean "being a mom." It's weird to think of myself as a mom, because in so many ways I still feel like a child pretending to do grown-up things.

I own a home and pay bills, but I still call my mom when I'm sick and I still sleep with a stuffed animal named Leonardo DaMonkey that I got when I was very young (I want to say I was either3 or 6, but I really can't remember and Lucas says I make up dates and ages). Leondardo was named after Leonardo DaVinci when I was going through my DaVinci phase.

I wonder what phases Noah will go through? I had an unfortunate black phase and an even more unfortunate "grunge" phase. (Damn you Seattle grunge rock scene! Damn you and your dirty flannels! Why did you have to be "in" when I was in high school? As if puberty and high school aren't difficult enough... ) Maybe Noah will only go through a super smart phase and get-good-grades phase?

I'm not sure what to expect or what phases he'll go through ... I only know that the last 2 1/2 weeks have felt like an eternity. Not in a bad way. I feel like I've been on vacation. That feeling where you wish you could stay in your little bubble forever. The type of vacation where you leave all of your paperwork and homework and bills behind ... mostly it's the type of vacation where law school becomes unimportant and the fear that you used to have of being called on in class and being unprepared and looking stupid in front of your professor and your classmates doesn't' scare you anymore because what you have experienced and what waits for you outside of the lecture hall is way more important.