Yesterday I walked to meet Greg at the light rail station after work and while I was waiting for him a man asked me "is it a boy or a girl?" That's the first time a stranger has asked me anything about being pregnant, it was strange. I said "You can tell I"m pregnant? I don't just look fat?" He said "No, you look pregnant. How far along are you?" I told him that I was 18 weeks and he then said ... "That's gonna be a BIG baby!" Seriously? Am I that big? Have I let myself go that much? I mean, I know I'm round, I know I'm low to the ground, but honestly ... who says that?
No one will or would ever tell me that I look like crap ... in fact, I find that I get more compliments than ever before about how beautiful I look and how great I look. Most of the time I don't believe them. I know when I look nice and when I don't ... let's get serious here, when I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm wearing Greg's basketball shorts, I don't look "beautiful".
The problem is, I don't quite know how I'm supposed to look or what's going on. I feel pregnant, but I also just feel fat and smooshy.
I went to the gym today and I felt like an impostor. I used to love to go to the gym, I didn't care what I looked like, I just loved working out. This time, I felt like I didn't belong or like I was one of the people that show up in January after making a new year's resolution.
I was wearing my Alaska Marathon T-shirt and I felt like it didn't belong to me. No one would believe that someone that looked like me ran a marathon. I was on the elliptical machine, not the treadmill and as I moved up and down I felt my side-ass-thigh pieces follow. I'd go up and then it would take the pieces a little longer to catch up ...up and down and up and down ...
I remember one time I was working out and there was a woman who was workng out with a trainer next to me and she said to her trainer "I want my arms to look like that." Now, I'm not completely dillusional, I don't think my arms look like anything amazing, but they were nice and relatively defined. The best compliment ever!
Today I was lifting weights next to a woman with her trainer and I felt invisible. Not that I needed her to notice my squishy upper body or my 5 pound free weights, but it was in my own mind ... I was just another someone trying to start from scratch.
As much as I love BHR is how much I hate my side-ass-thigh pieces. I was thinking too ... you know some pregnant women look like they might just fall forward? I dont' think that's the case with me, I think my giant ass is going to balance it all out. For every inch forward my new belly grows, my ass goes the opposite direction.
Now I feel bad for complaining about my body ... perhaps I will think about making another tasty sandwich while I study equitable servitudes.
Been Quite Some Time My Friends.
8 years ago
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